How do you know he's yours?

Hello, there.

Marriage has been on my mind quite a lot lately. I know it seems like a given with being engaged and all, but its more complicated than that. I have four or five friends (all younger than me) lined up to get married around the same time as myself. I will be 20 years old when I get married. Most of them will still be teenagers. In all honesty, I have to say I'm a little distraught. How do these girls know that the person they are going to marry will treat them the way they do now for the rest of their lives? How do they know he will love her forever?

My fiance and I are taking a Eternal Marriage Prep class here at school, and I can honestly say it makes me even more nervous for marriage than I was before, and I was terrified before. I grew up in a broken home where I never saw parents that really loved each other. They tolerated each other, but only sometimes. They were  what I've heard described as "exceptional roommates". They had simply learned to exist in the same house with each other. They weren't living or loving each other.

So, naturally, with the nasty divorce and childhood neglect and emotional abuse from my father, I'd say I was adamant about not getting married when I headed up to Idaho to go to school. The events of the divorce had convinced me that being single for the rest of my life would be better than risking marriage to someone that could end up like the other men in my life. I had never had a good male influence in my life, that is, until I met Garrett and his roommates last spring.

I was very shy and reserved when my apartment started hanging out with his. But, lucky for me, there was another shy, reserved person in our group. I still remember the day I was sitting on the couch in the corner all by myself, watching about eight other people play "Dance Dance Revolution". This tall, lanky kid comes over, sits down on the ground next to the couch, and says hi (and that, folks, is where it all began). We talked a little bit, but like I said, I was shy and reserved and he somehow got me to talk to him. We nicknamed the spot our "isolation corner", and from that day on, whenever our apartments would hang out together, he would join me in our "isolation corner".

Well, according to my best friend and his best friend, one day I just "came out of my shell" and have never been the same since (a good thing, they say, but some days I wonder). I can attest that my "change" was in part due to those six boys. I had never felt so safe around another group of men. The six of them instantly became "my boys" in my head, and I took every chance I could to be around them. The one thing that amazed me about them was how even-tempered they were. I had grown up in a home filled with anger and sadness. I felt none of this around them. They were all kind, sweet, respectful. They all made me feel like the princess I had been told I was.

But, despite how loving and kind they were, I was still struggling with depression and stress. One night, I knelt down to pray, and I ended up asking my Heavenly Father for a best friend, someone that I could talk to, that I could rely on. I had friends, but I still felt lonely. I was blessed with a feeling of peace, and not long after that, Garrett Jones became "my Garrett" (since there were two Garretts in his apartment).

It was getting towards the end of the semester, and one of his roommates was "in love" with me. Being the person I am, I made the mistake of holding this roommates' hand when we went to legitimate haunted houses out in the middle of nowhere. I was terrified, so I grabbed his hand, and that opened up a whole can of worms that I did not want to deal with. So, in the couple days following, this particular roommate made a greater effort to demand my attention, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I texted Garrett and asked him how I should handle it. He suggested that we talk about it face to face, so we met up on day after school and walked home together. There was one point during the walk in which we had the chance to continue forwards or turn, and he asked me which way we should go. I said that I didn't care, and then he said something I will never forget.

"Let's take a journey, not a trip."

Needless to say, I think that sparked my interest in him.

We soon got back to my apartment and had reached a conclusion on how to handle the situation, but we ended up sitting on a concrete wall and talking for another three hours. And that is where I started to fall for him.

I don't really know where I was going with this and I didn't mean to share the beginnings of Garrett and my's relationship, but I guess it needed to come out.

Back to the topic at hand, I really struggled with knowing that I should marry Garrett. I still do. I still wonder if he is the right one for me or if I am the right one for him, and we have been together for almost a year. How do these girls know after just a few months? I'm not saying that they don't know or are "blinded by love" or whatever, but I can honestly say that I am jealous. I would love to feel bolted to my decision, but I guess that with my past and Satan's powers being used to target my doubt, that is something I will never feel. But I have made a decision, and I am sticking to it. I have told Heavenly Father my decision, and if it's not right, I trust that He will change my path.

And it's not like I haven't thought and prayed and asked for advice. I have talked with several people to understand how they "knew". At one point I was so distraught and stressed about it that I went and talked to my bishop, and he told me words I will use to reinforce my decision until the day I get married.

"True love is not feeling fireworks or butterflies in your stomach. That is fairytale love. True love is being comfortable around Garrett all the time."

And ladies and gents, that I am. There is no one that understands me, is patient with me, will fight for me, or that loves me more than Mr. Jones, and that is why, in 90 days' time, I will become Mrs. Jones.

just another monday in rexburg

Being sick sucks. And it snowed today. Seriously Rexburg make up your mind as to what season it is. I feel like I've been drained, mentally and physically. In all honesty, I just need a break from everything, so if anyone has a sensory deprivation tank, sign me up. Garrett and I are headed home for a short 5 day break on Friday, and I can't guarentee that there won't be any fatalities from now until then. On a lighter note, we are halfway through our engagement! And I feel like I've gotten absolutely nothing done for the wedding. I still can't believe that I, Kayla-future-hermit-cat-lady, am getting married. It's an adventure I often thought I would never get to experience. The idea still scares me sometimes, but I am so glad I've got a partner in crime that's just as scared and excited as I am. As I was watching Garrett and his roommate work out at the gym tonight, I was thinking about just how ironic our size difference is. Although, I think his stature is appropriated to my stubbornness. I doubt anyone smaller would be able to handle this crazy mess as well. He is definitely my knight in shining armor, and I realize every day just how much a part of me he is becoming. Welp, that's all I have to share tonight. Catcha later!

So.....

Well, now that it's been almost an entire year since I last updated this blog, and I've had some major life/life-plan changes, I figure it's time I start getting into the habit of posting on this blog more. After all, who would I be if I didn't become one of those cutesy, blog-writing, fashionista newlyweds?

That's right.

In case someone out there hasn't heard, I am engaged. WOO HOO!

Except for the waiting part.

Seriously I didn't think it would suck this bad. The question "Are we married yet?" pops up at least twice a day between my fiancee and I. Speaking of the devil....

Ain't we so cute?

Seriously, the three things I see in this picture are : Garrett is actually smiling like he likes getting his picture taken ( quite a feat with him!), how short I look next to him even with my 7-inch booster heels (I call them the 'Garrett heels'. Seriously, the one human being on the face of the earth that would be perfectly content with never having to take a step in any sort of heels is marrying someone 15 inches taller than her. God definitely has a sense of humor), and finally, the awful shape of my saggy butt.

But don't worry, I am working on that, 5-6 days a week. Up until this week I was on a pretty regular routine with going to the gym, but the universe decided I hadn't had any "near-death" experiences lately, so allergies and strep throat and crazy hormones hit me all in the same week.

And can I tell you how discouraging it is to have been working out for 10 weeks pretty consistently without losing any weight, only to get sick and lose 5 pounds overnight? Still not sure if the trade off is worth it though.

Anyways, this post is rather long, and I hope to be updating it much more frequently so that the one or two readers out there can know the little things that happen in my boring life, but before I go, this will show you how bored/OCD I am when I'm sick and don't really feel like doing anything productive:

Before

After

And I wonder why people at work think I am crazy when I have all the chicken breasts facing the same way on the grill. 

Revolution's not easy with a Civil War on the inside

Breathe- Anberlin

One of my best friends introduced me to this band, and I seriously can't get enough. It's one of those bands you have to listen to when you're in a B.A. mood, which I'm not quite there but it's working so far.

So anyways, this past weekend was awesome! It was just me and two roommates and we had so much fun! The following are a couple pictures we took for fun.

My roommates will all agree that I am the most childish of the bunch. That's okay with me. It means my boyfriends can be fictional characters, which is just the way I like them.

Aren't they just gorgeous? And I'm the smurf.

So, it was my first real weekend of not going to bed until 2 am and eating who-knows-what. But I love it. I find that I'm meant for the independent life. I am so much better at it than I thought I would be. And let me just say, thank goodness my momma taught me to cook.

How many college kids can do that all by themselves?

School is crazy. I'm already a third done with this semester. Only six more to go. I've found that I am the kind of person that has trouble living in the present and anticipates the future. It's hard to find the balance between the two, but I am working on it. Everything about school is learning to balance. Balance social life and schoolwork, balance sleep and working, balance boys and girl friends, balance balance balance! But I do love a challenge. Life is boring without them.

Speaking of balance, I have this Yin and Yang pendant that I wear every day. I'm not a part of that religion or belief, but I admire the representation of good balancing evil. In today's world, it does feel like there is way more bad than good, but I think that's part of why living in today's world is such an adventure. Finding the good things in life takes a lot of effort and, with practice, becomes easier and easier. But it makes those small shreds of goodness so much more worthwhile.

Balance+wolves+school= my life.

I will praise you in this storm

Praise You in This Storm-Casting Crowns

Just a heads up, I'm not one of those people that has trigger happy syndrome when it comes to cameras. I am more of a writer. But, I will try to snap a few shots of my life here and there.

So anyways, onto the music! Since it is one of my addictions, each title and focus of my posts will most likely revolve around a song. I will run out of feelings before I run out of music. For today, I chose one of my all time favorites from one of my all time favorite Christian bands. I am most definitely not one of those people that listens exclusively to religious music, but over the years I have found some amazing songs by people that love my Heavenly Father as much as I do. This is one of those songs. My favorite lines are:

And it's still raining, 
But as the thunder rolls, 
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I'm with you

I have had a semi-rough time adjusting to solitary college life. I love it here and I love being in a place I feel safe to stretch my wings, but it has been rather lonely and a tad stressful. I have had a heavy work load, and not much time to try to make friends. Socializing has always been difficult for me, and everyone here seems to have a best friend already. All of my previous best friends have all deserted me, and I do have some trust issues. But being surrounded by people that have the same values I do and are striving to be the kind of person I want to be has just made me lean on my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ so much more. I feel so much closer to Him and so much more at peace with the amount that I have had to lean on Him these past few weeks. At first, I was skeptical. I thought that what I needed was miniscule to what other people needed or that I was just being silly, but it got to the point where I would kneel down at night and just cry to Him, asking Him to just help me. I didn't quite know what I needed, but He did. And day after day He sent me these little messages and signs to show me that I am not alone, and that I have a purpose. Today I was having a panic attack about having too much to do, and I was walking home, praying that I would figure out what I needed to do, and this wave of calm just washed over me. I felt the wind brush through my hair, and I could just feel Him.

Even now I can't describe the happiness I feel at knowing He is rooting for me, always there and willing to help me with the smallest little problems. Since moving here four weeks ago, I have talked to Him more than anyone else, and I just know that being here, I will be able to do amazing thing with Him on my side. He is my best friend.

I will praise you through this storm,

Introducing me

Welcome to my blog! My name is Kayla. Let me tell you a little bit about me.

I love the Ninja Turtles. Leo was my first crush (and still is).

I love to draw (mostly ninja turtles).

I'm addicted to pizza, peach rings, and Dr Pepper. But, sadly, I am a poor college student and forced to live off of Spaghetti-oes and re-fried beans. Yum.

I am an aspiring medical illustrator. I love science (mainly biology) and I love to draw. The perfect combination.

My favorite person in the whole world is my mom. She rocks my socks.

I want to live in New York City. So. Flippin'. Much.

I am a dwarf/smurf/shortie. Life's better down here.

I love being outside. My favorite place to be (besides NYC) is Yellowstone. And watching wolves is the best part of being there.

I am partially deaf, and deaf jokes are the best.

I love to write (again, mostly about Ninja Turtles) and daydream.

Hockey is my favorite sport.

I am a huge nerd, and Ned from 17 Again is my ideal husband.

I'm also addicted to music, and thankfully Spotify doesn't cost anything, or I'd be in trouble.

Welp, that pretty much sums up the fun parts of me. I guess we'll see how motivated I am to update this on a regular basis in the next few weeks. Peace.