How do you know he's yours?

Hello, there.

Marriage has been on my mind quite a lot lately. I know it seems like a given with being engaged and all, but its more complicated than that. I have four or five friends (all younger than me) lined up to get married around the same time as myself. I will be 20 years old when I get married. Most of them will still be teenagers. In all honesty, I have to say I'm a little distraught. How do these girls know that the person they are going to marry will treat them the way they do now for the rest of their lives? How do they know he will love her forever?

My fiance and I are taking a Eternal Marriage Prep class here at school, and I can honestly say it makes me even more nervous for marriage than I was before, and I was terrified before. I grew up in a broken home where I never saw parents that really loved each other. They tolerated each other, but only sometimes. They were  what I've heard described as "exceptional roommates". They had simply learned to exist in the same house with each other. They weren't living or loving each other.

So, naturally, with the nasty divorce and childhood neglect and emotional abuse from my father, I'd say I was adamant about not getting married when I headed up to Idaho to go to school. The events of the divorce had convinced me that being single for the rest of my life would be better than risking marriage to someone that could end up like the other men in my life. I had never had a good male influence in my life, that is, until I met Garrett and his roommates last spring.

I was very shy and reserved when my apartment started hanging out with his. But, lucky for me, there was another shy, reserved person in our group. I still remember the day I was sitting on the couch in the corner all by myself, watching about eight other people play "Dance Dance Revolution". This tall, lanky kid comes over, sits down on the ground next to the couch, and says hi (and that, folks, is where it all began). We talked a little bit, but like I said, I was shy and reserved and he somehow got me to talk to him. We nicknamed the spot our "isolation corner", and from that day on, whenever our apartments would hang out together, he would join me in our "isolation corner".

Well, according to my best friend and his best friend, one day I just "came out of my shell" and have never been the same since (a good thing, they say, but some days I wonder). I can attest that my "change" was in part due to those six boys. I had never felt so safe around another group of men. The six of them instantly became "my boys" in my head, and I took every chance I could to be around them. The one thing that amazed me about them was how even-tempered they were. I had grown up in a home filled with anger and sadness. I felt none of this around them. They were all kind, sweet, respectful. They all made me feel like the princess I had been told I was.

But, despite how loving and kind they were, I was still struggling with depression and stress. One night, I knelt down to pray, and I ended up asking my Heavenly Father for a best friend, someone that I could talk to, that I could rely on. I had friends, but I still felt lonely. I was blessed with a feeling of peace, and not long after that, Garrett Jones became "my Garrett" (since there were two Garretts in his apartment).

It was getting towards the end of the semester, and one of his roommates was "in love" with me. Being the person I am, I made the mistake of holding this roommates' hand when we went to legitimate haunted houses out in the middle of nowhere. I was terrified, so I grabbed his hand, and that opened up a whole can of worms that I did not want to deal with. So, in the couple days following, this particular roommate made a greater effort to demand my attention, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I texted Garrett and asked him how I should handle it. He suggested that we talk about it face to face, so we met up on day after school and walked home together. There was one point during the walk in which we had the chance to continue forwards or turn, and he asked me which way we should go. I said that I didn't care, and then he said something I will never forget.

"Let's take a journey, not a trip."

Needless to say, I think that sparked my interest in him.

We soon got back to my apartment and had reached a conclusion on how to handle the situation, but we ended up sitting on a concrete wall and talking for another three hours. And that is where I started to fall for him.

I don't really know where I was going with this and I didn't mean to share the beginnings of Garrett and my's relationship, but I guess it needed to come out.

Back to the topic at hand, I really struggled with knowing that I should marry Garrett. I still do. I still wonder if he is the right one for me or if I am the right one for him, and we have been together for almost a year. How do these girls know after just a few months? I'm not saying that they don't know or are "blinded by love" or whatever, but I can honestly say that I am jealous. I would love to feel bolted to my decision, but I guess that with my past and Satan's powers being used to target my doubt, that is something I will never feel. But I have made a decision, and I am sticking to it. I have told Heavenly Father my decision, and if it's not right, I trust that He will change my path.

And it's not like I haven't thought and prayed and asked for advice. I have talked with several people to understand how they "knew". At one point I was so distraught and stressed about it that I went and talked to my bishop, and he told me words I will use to reinforce my decision until the day I get married.

"True love is not feeling fireworks or butterflies in your stomach. That is fairytale love. True love is being comfortable around Garrett all the time."

And ladies and gents, that I am. There is no one that understands me, is patient with me, will fight for me, or that loves me more than Mr. Jones, and that is why, in 90 days' time, I will become Mrs. Jones.