Before I begin, if you are here to make unkind or degrading
comments, please know that so doing will terminate our friendship. This story
is very personal, and I am only sharing because I have been inspired to do so.
I do not do this to pressure my beliefs on anyone or to gloat. Anyone that
knows me knows that it is not in my nature to share things like this, so this
is very hard for me, and I do so in the confidence that those who read this, if
they are offended or angered by anything I say, will keep it to themselves and
avoid the temptation to say hurtful things to me because of it. Thank you.
When the following events happened to me, I knew that I
would eventually be called to share them, maybe a hundred years from now when I
would be a wise old woman whose words would hold great power, not at my tender
age of 22. But I guess someone out there needs to hear a part of my story now,
so here it goes.
Last summer, my husband and I had the opportunity to go to
the temple with several of his siblings and his father. We were in the sealing
room. I had just coincidentally done several ordinances for a certain ancestor,
and after I sat down, I saw, in my mind, a young girl of about 8 or 9 years old.
She was holding the hand of an adult whose face I couldn’t see, but I had the
feeling that it was this certain ancestor that I had just done ordinances for. The
girl was smiling and waving at me.
This young girl is my daughter.
I know her name. I know what she looks like. I know that she
will be joining our family soon. It was because of this experience that we
thought the little baby on the way now would be a girl, but I guess she wasn’t
first in line to join us.
Several weeks after this, we were visiting my in-laws one
evening, and they enjoy watching the news. I have no qualms about this, but I
generally avoid the news as it is always discouraging and terrifying to see the
things happening in our world. On the drive back home, Garrett and I were
talking about some of the news that had been talked about, and I brought up the
topic of having children. We had been talking a little about starting to try,
but after hearing about some of the terrible things happening, I didn’t see a
point to bringing children into this world when we know it is just going to get
worse. I felt so hopeless and scared myself, maybe by not having children I
could spare the spirits that would come down, the grief and heartache and pain
that they would have to go through by being here.
As those words came out of my mouth, I heard my sweet
daughter’s voice as clearly as if she had been in the backseat.
“Mommy, I want to come down. I want to be with you and
Daddy. “
(Know that I am sobbing just as hard now while writing this
as I did when I heard her.)
By thinking of protecting my children by not even bringing
them into this world, I would have denied them the chance to experience this
life. I would have denied them the opportunity to prove themselves that they
have been waiting for. How many years have they been waiting to come to Earth
and receive a body? To be tested and tried so that they can return to live with
their Heavenly Father?
She sounded so anxious to be here. I was surprised that she
could be so excited to come down to this chaotic life and have to go through
the pain and anguish of being here. But I believe she is anxious to be here,
because she knows what lies at the end. She can see what the reward is. She
knows what Heaven is like, because she is there, waiting.
Yes, this world is deteriorating and falling into chaos.
There are wars, and rumors of wars. Every day we can look around and see Satan’s
hand at work. My family was ripped apart by his influence. I have two siblings
that I haven’t spoken to in years that are basically throwing their lives away
with the choices they are making. I watch my other siblings struggle to figure
out who they want to be because they are being raised in two very different
households. I have struggled with depression and self-harm since high school. I
was emotionally abuse my entire childhood. I have family members that basically
abandoned my mother and I. I could go on and on about all of the terrible
things that have happened and are happening to me. I’m sure that as your read
my words you have no trouble bringing to mind personal, local, or global events
that make you worried or sad or discouraged. That is why I avoid the news. I
know how bad the world is. I do not want a reminder of it, yet there is always
something that brings it up.
But you know what? There are still good things.
My mother found a man that treats her with respect, and
treats me like his own daughter. I have a husband that loves me, and I know it.
I have a baby growing inside me that will be here in a few shorts months. I
have a house to fix up and eventually live in. Being optimistic is not in my
nature. I have always been the kind of person that thinks the worst is going to
happen, even if there is no reason to think that way.
Yes, the world is a bad place, and it is only going to get
worse. But I know that there is a reason for it. We are here on this Earth to
go through trials, and it is our job to make the best of it and hold on to the
rod. It is hard to stay optimistic when everywhere you look, Satan is there
making chaos and sadness. But know that, the worse it gets, the closer the time
draws for Christ to come again and all will be well.
He never said it was going to be easy, just that it would be
worth it.
And I know one little girl that knows it.
